DISCLAIMER: Stories and images published in this week’s issue under satire (with the exception of advertisements) are purely satirical and created purely for entertainment and/or parody purposes. They are not intended to communicate any accurate or factual information. Some names used in Excalibur’s satire stories are fictional, and any resemblance to actual persons or entities may be purely coincidental.
It is simply not feasible in our modern day to drive cars anymore. As Ontario enters 2022, the once proposed era of flying cars and savvy technological advances, horseback riding is making its comeback as a mainstream mode of transportation.
Olivia Bellboot, a seventh-year kinesiology student and president and only member of York’s polo club, never thought she’d see the day where horses can pull up to campus.
“After neverending strikes, ongoing construction, different but never better eateries, and countless bus routes later, we have finally arrived at horses. This is a big win for the polo club as well. We are becoming a recognized club in the community, and interest is generating.”
Hunter Paddock, a fourth-year student studying human resources and a fellow equestrian, believes this is a progressive step towards reclaiming our lives.
“It is hard to keep up with the bills and how costly our education is. Transportation is costly, and there has to be a more affordable way to travel in our city. And there is a way: horses. But, times are changing and we have to keep up. This isn’t a step backwards. We are taking a stand against how expensive it is to live and doing what we need to do.”
However, several students and staff on campus are less enthused about the new transportation methods. The critiques are pouring into the administration, but students seem to be split on their plans of action. William Halter, a first-year economics student, feels that introducing horse riding as a transportation method is a cry for help from the university.
“Just because other universities have decided horses are an acceptable method of transportation, does not mean we have to. There are other avenues to turn to for profit and for transportation. Our campus is being destroyed, and no one seems to understand that. First geese, now horses. It’s outrageous.”
York security also has a bone to pick with the new transportation vessel. Judy Martingale, head of the animal safety and security division at York, thinks proper measures aren’t being taken to ensure the safety of the campus and of the horses.
“We simply do not have enough security to care for our students, faculty, and employees, let alone horses. What happens if a horse gets stolen? How are we supposed to investigate that? Our job description simply does not state how to investigate hoofprints.”
The most opposition to horse riding on campus is from members of the Vegans Against Horse-Riding at York University (VAHR@YU). It seems that the tempers are high, and hooves are being revved.
“We simply do not have any autonomy over these animals to use them for selfish purposes. These animals are subjected to long horse rides, minimal food, improper equipment, and harsh resting conditions. It appalls me York has chosen to be a part of this, and I condemn them. Horses are living things; they are not meant for our vanity,” says Melanie Scallion, a third-year student studying mammal education and VAHR@YU spokesperson.
