DISCLAIMER: Everything published in this week’s issue (with the exception of advertisements) is satirical; it is not intended to communicate any true or factual information.
Mahdis Habibinia | Executive Editor, Online
Featured Image: Students can expect a decrease of many university services as of Fall 2019. | Fatema Ali
A recent report released by York’s administration reveals that all students at York have confirmed to opt-out of ancillary fees for the 2019-2020 school year.
Every student’s tuition includes levies dedicated towards funding sports and recreation, cultural and special services, counselling, the YFS, the Student Centre, and Excalibur. All of these services will be removed.
“The newspaper will no longer publish articles as of yesterday,” says Pat Lyonn, executive editor in chief of Excalibur. “Not like anything big is coming up or happening nowadays anyway. But if you’re not staying up to date on what’s happening that’s a you-problem.”
Regarding the Lions’ sports teams, Director of Athletics Myke Miers says: “It’s an unfortunate loss for our Lions considering how far we came this season across the board. The university is advising us to either sell or melt down our medals, trophies, plaques, anything and everything worth a nickel. The end is nigh.”
Students expressed why they wanted to start this ancillary fee apocalypse, many complaining about the fee’s lack of relevance and effectiveness to their lives.
“I opted out of those fees because what truly makes my university experience is the striking education I get here,” Jocelyn Jacuzi, third-year common sense studies student, says. “I don’t need to know what’s happening on campus or around me.”
Macks Boing, second-year aviation student, says: “These fees are a waste of my parents’ money. I could be putting that cash towards something more useful like the double transit fare I need to pay to get to campus.”
Due to the $7.5 million loss the university is expecting to face, Brenda Ranton, media relations spokesperson for York, says that clubs and groups on campus are expected to shutdown as well. This drop also means that the YFS is set to crumble into ash, along with all the student dollars that went into supporting them and their rambunctious efforts to improve student life.
The YFS is responsible for the health and dental insurance that students receive. Although M. P. Peters stated that fees pertaining to health and safety are non-negotiable, that statement was retracted once students started protesting the changes.
Due to the unfortunate fate of the Fall 2019 term, enrolment has seen a drastic decrease. Across the board, York is expected to see only a total of seven new students next year. As a result, the university will “increase tuition for future and current students by 123 per cent in order to keep certain services, like my business trips, running,” Ranton adds.
“My tuition will go up by $51,940. I feel like the YFS has an even bigger and more realistic reason now to ask our debt-induced province for free education,” Boing says.
According to Peters: “We’re working with the university, student groups, and administration on tailoring an entirely new educational experience for students. We’re working on guidelines going forward and we’re always happy to engage students. We understand that some community members may be concerned, but these mandatory fees that were compulsory once upon a time did nothing to better students’ university experiences.”
