Beyoncé: an auditory sex tape

It is common knowledge that everyone should stop getting married now that Beyoncé and Jay-Z have nailed it.
Since the release of Beyoncé’s new self-titled album, we have even had the pleasure of joining the power couple in the bedroom.
Visual album. R&B confessional. Auditory sex tape. Nailed it.
For all of you sex tape lovers out there, I am sure you will fancy this new form of sex tape. It takes us through a night of love with Bey and Jay, further demonstrating how they have killed marriage for other people.
First of all, we can hear how they “be up all night” and how Jay-Z likes to indulge in Bey’s tatikas for breakfast.
Their foreplay happens in the damn foyer, which is understandable if you are Jay-Z and waiting to bang the queen, but I probably could have waited until I got to the bedroom if I was Beyoncé.
We are also introduced into the oral aspect of this auditory sex tape. Bey declares that the couple shares interest in wetness and a drip is never wasted. I’m sure this is true, since again, she is coming until the morning.
We can all be jealous (male and female) that Queen Bey has the sweetest skittles.
Nearing the end of the sex tape, the couple has lost all pretenses. Jay is, “So horny yeah he want to fuuuh.” No beating around the…um…bush anymore.
Since this is an auditory sex tape, we are informed that Bey’s buttons are all popped and her blouse is ripped. Good choice, Bey.
This tape even includes different languages! “Est-ce que tu aimes le sexe?” Do you like sex? You do? Then this is a wonderful investment for any sex tape lover out there looking for something new. Just prepare for the accompanying slump when you realize that you can’t compete with the famous B-J.
Bow down, bitches.
Gracie Wells-Smith
Contributor