Why is it okay for my brother to be in and out of jail his entire life, but not okay for me to be gay?
Why does my brother get props, and a pat on the back, but I get kicked out of the house? I no longer get a call on my birthday. I’m no longer invited to the family Christmas dinner.
What have I done that my brother did not do, for me to be treated so unfairly?
Though I came out two years ago, I have known I was gay for much longer. In fact, I’m constantly coming out. It never stops. There’s always a family member to tell, a friend, or some new person who I’ve just met.
Based on my experience, some people have been okay with me being gay, while others have not—but that’s life, and I really can’t change anyone.
I tend to “tone down” my gayness, depending on the specific social environment I’m in. I know some people are more accepting than others.
This is definitely the case when I’m in black spaces (a place like Malvern or in certain parts of the west end).
I wouldn’t dare bust out my gay magazine or turn up the Beyonce song that’s playing in my earphones while I’m on the bus. I would be more conscious of what I wear, and how I behave. What I say and what I don’t say would matter.
In my experience, there tends to be less acceptance for homosexuality in the black community. Homosexuality is never talked about in black spaces and in black families.
In an interview with Larry King, director Lee Daniels said, “Black men can’t come out! Why? Because it’s simply, you can’t do it! […] Your family says it. Your church says it. Your teachers say it. Your parents say it. Your friends say it. Your work says it. So you’re living on this [down-low] thing.”
Definitely not in my family. Not once have I been to church and heard the pastor speak about homosexuality. Not once have I been in a barbershop and heard people talk about it! Not once have I heard it at home, in my family.
Homosexuality is a taboo. Coming out as a black gay man in the hip-hop or R&B world is sort of unheard of, surreal, a taboo in itself, and I really respect Frank Ocean for coming out.
Many bashed him, saying they would no longer support him or play his music. I even had a conversation with my brother about it, and he told me he had lost respect for Frank Ocean and would stop listening to his music.
My brother further went on to say that he will stop talking to any family member who he finds out is gay.
This hurts.
But times are slowly changing as more black celebrities (Lee Daniels, Don Lemon, Queen Latifah, and Frank Ocean) come out of the closet. These are educators and positive role models in the black community as Bayard Rustin, organiser of the civil rights movement, once was.
We now also have some institutional support. The Many Men, Many Voices (3MV), offered by the Toronto Community Foundation, helps black men with their self-esteem, sexuality, and identity as a homosexual, bisexual, and/or transgender.
The BLACK CAP (Black Coalition for AIDS Prevention), Sherbourne Health Centre, and the BQY (Black Queer Youth) weekly group sessions are another kind of support available to us.
At least now, people can take the initiative and find out what is around them, as there are a lot of resources out there despite the persistent homophobia in the black community.
Dejano Duncan
Contributor
